Each time I wake up, several times at night, I feel pretty much the same. Go to the bathroom, then get a drink of water to rehydrate my bone-dry, parched mouth. Blow my constantly running nose and crawl back into bed. But the 4:00 AM time is different. At this time my stomach makes bizarre, violent noises.
A normal hungry stomach has digestive fluids squirting into it in preparation for food. Then you get a little growl. That would not keep me awake. These roiling signals are more than musical. They are dramatic, theatrical, but not entertaining.
These noises are coming from somewhere throughout my digestive tract. Not just one spot but in full-stage, Dolby stereo.
How could I recreate these unearthly, peculiar noises? I’ve had two months to imagine so here you go: Get a cheap, blue, plastic kiddie pool. Put it on the roof of a minivan. Fill it with Jello. Throw in a dolphin and a piranha. Add a hand full of silverware, two original Slinky’s, and a bag of large marshmallows. Feed the dolphin a Red Bull to encourage him swim in circles. Now, lay back on the floor of the minivan and listen. Close your eyes. Yes, that’s it.
It’s not loud enough to wake my wife, but I have to wonder what sort of digestive gods are throwing punches down there. Between rounds they rest on creaky rocking chairs. I appease them with Chobani yogurt until tomorrow’s match.
Lumpy Bob 
Wow Bob. Very descriptive. Boingggggg.
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